Me in my flat in Santa Rosa.. near Mexico DF..
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It was the Spring of 1977.. when I sold everything I owned.. and with my meager savings.. I left my home in Pembroke South Wales.. and took a flight to New York USA.. Immigration were reluctant to let me in because I did not have an address to stay at.. but I managed to persuade them I was not stopping in NY.. because I was going to take the bus to Mexico City.. about a 3 day trip..
When I arrived.. I went to Rosalia's house.. and her brother greeted me.. and then told me.. "She doesn't live here any more".. She had met a guy from Texas while traveling.. and they got married the very next week..
That is when I had a nervous breakdown. I remember my teeth chattering.. and I collapsed a couple of times in the street.. I kept reliving the moment I arrived at her door.. over and over again.. as if by reliving it.. I could change something. Her sister and her sister's boyfriend helped me at first to find a place to stay.. I bought a book of the art of Edward Munch.. because it was the only thing I could relate to.. at that time. His picture of THE SCREAM.. precisely summed up how I was feeling. Every morning when I woke up it felt like my head exploded.. and I spent the entire day with suicidal thoughts.. it was a frightening experience.. I had no control of.. and that is when my dark-side emerged.
I started dating girls again.. because most Germans speak good English.. I bought a car.. and did a lot of sight seeing.. Bavaria is close to the Alps.. and there's plenty of lovely scenery.. I made some friends.. and started to enjoy life again..
Finally I run out of money and had to find work.. so got a job as an English teacher.. and also gave private lessons. Then I heard about the Instituto Anglo Mexicana an English school.. and how it was the best in the country.. so I made up my mind to get a job there,, and took a teacher's training course with them. I pasted my exams and they gave me a job.. which I became very good at.. I was very popular with the students.. and at the same time.. I was still having a nervous break-down.. it was like being two separate people. I found a flat far above Mexico City.. with a fantastic view.. and it was on the edge of the Deserto Delos Lions.. a national park.. This was the view of Mexico City.. from where I was living
Then.. something strange happened.. Rosalia's sister lent me a book to read.. and inside the pages I found a scrap of paper.. with Rosalia's address in Texas. Her sister told me she didn't know it was there. So I decided to go and see her.. I took a bus to the US border.. and hitched a ride to Texas in a classic 1960'S Ford Mustang.. what an amazing car this is.. I thought.
I told my story to the driver and showed him the address I had.. and he told me he knew the street.. because it very close to where he used to live.. but the name of the street on the piece of paper.. was written incorrectly.. it still amazes me.. how lucky I was I met him. Then he drove me to her house. I would not have found her with out his help.. it was a very strange coincidence.. that this guy had given me a lift. I met many Americans who were very nice to me and helpful.. a very friendly country.
I also found out what university she was studying at.. with the help of a nice woman.. who made some phone calls for me. So the next day I met up with Rosalia.. and we went for a coffee.. and chat. She told me she could not leave him for me because it would upset her family.. I told her he would not make her happy.. which turned out to be true..
When I contacted her many years later.. she told me she divorced him after 5 years.. and had remarried twice.. since then.. and had two kids. One of her husbands had died.. so maybe she also has PTSD.. and that is why she no longer talks very much.. She used to be a real chatter-box once.. when I knew her.
She gave me a photo of her outside her house in Texas to keep.. and we had one last passionate kiss.. and I returned to Mexico DF. I tried to find another girl friend to take my mind off her.. but found it impossible because my confused.mental state.. I felt angry.. completely worthless.. and to make matters worse.. I could not speak much Spanish.. and many people in Mexico do not speak English at all...
Below is the Institute Anglo Mexicana.. where I worked.. as an English teacher..
Above is a photo I took of my first floor flat.. It was in a village called Santa Rosa.. I had to take the bus to work every day.. into the city and back again. Once I drove a friend's van along the Cortes Pass in the dark.. below the Popo volcano.. it was very dangerous.. because of deep cracks and crevasses in the road..but when we stopped below Popo and saw its snowcapped top in the moon-light.. it was a stunning sight.. being so close to it.
I made some friends who lived nearby.. who I met on the bus.. One evening they shared some peyote with me.. and during our trip there was an earth-quake.. that made us all laugh.. and giggle.. as the floor shook like a jelly.
I spent 3 years living in Mexico City.. hoping she would come back to me.. in the end I gave up and moved to Munich in Germany.. My mum was working there and I went to visit her.. and decided Munich was so nice.. I would live there. I found work painting apartments.. on an American military base.. and they also gave me a room to live in.
I spent two years living in Munich.. Then I decided to return to England.. so I came back to London.. my home town. I had no job.. and ended up living in a hostel.. a terrible place.. that I shared with people who were homeless or others who had just come out of prison.. Some guy there put a knife to my throat.. because he was looking for the person I shared the room with.. it was one of the worst situations I had ever been in.. That was when I went back to meditating.. and had some of the most amazing experiences... EVER.... AND.. I hadn't done any meditation since I left Pembroke.. but this time it was magical.. I experienced some really profound changes in conscious.. that I had never experienced before... while my material life had never been worse.. I had no job.. no money and lived in a terrible hostel.. but in my mind.. I WAS IN AN ENCHANTED PLACE.................. S T R A N G E !!!
The tragic Art of Edward Munch depicting his failed relationships.. with various women
The view of Mexico City from my flat in Santa Rosa
The Homeless Hostel.. where I had some amazing mystical experiences.. on Acton High Road in London
Dorothy was a really beautiful girl I once knew.. and this was my car.
Max.. on the LEFT.. was a friend I met at work
This is how bad the cracks in the road were.. below the volcano.. Due to earthquakes maybe..
